Hey guys,
Just had some thoughts I wanted to get out, so this is the result.
Do you ever want to be friends with someone. Nothing more, but nothing less. Just friends. But it's impossible. It is absolutely impossible that you and they could ever talk. That you could ever just hang out together, talk more than just about the weather. They don't know who you are, they don't know you exist. And no matter how hard you try, you're just never going to be close enough to be considered more than just "that weirdo who stares at me sometimes".
But, it's frustrating. Because if it was a crush, I could understand. But that isn't it at all. It's more like, I want to be friends with you. I want to know you and talk to you. But that just won't happen. We are from two completely different groups of people. You are you and I am me. Your friends with the people who think they're all that, who think they own the school. You give off the air of being a part of an exclusive club, and my friends and I aren't like that at all. But everyone tells me how sweet you are. Everyone tells me how you are so easy to talk to. How you are always there for everyone. But its that really true? It doesn't seem like that.
Maybe I need to suck it up, and talk to you. You might want to be friends with me. But on the other hand, and much more probable, you don't want to be friends at all. In fact, I am being annoying. After all, I am nothing like your friends. I am nothing at all like the people you are into. The people you like to talk to. I am absolutely nothing like them.
There is no reason you would ever want to be friends with me, so why would I try? My friends are telling me that I should at least try. After all if they got close to you, then why can't I? But I am also nothing like my friends. I am not like them nor am I like you. We have nothing in common.
It's funny, last year, I hate d you. I thought you were self entitled, annoying, and rude. You struck me as an arrogant dbag. But, maybe I made mistakes. And now I'm sad, because I'm stuck with these feeling that I will never be good enough to be friends with you, but at the same time, why not?
I hate you. I hate the fact that you and your stupid friends make me feel like I'm nothing. Like I'm insignificant/ As if I don't matter, and I never will. Why is it that you make everyone else feel so happy when you talk to them? How? Why? You aren't anything special. The way you act as if you are in charge of everything, as if you run the school. It's annoying. Most of all, I'm pissed off that I feel like I'm not important enough to be friends with you. I'm not pretty enough. Or thin enough. Or athletic enough, Or confident enough
But wait. The fact that I'm even thinking these things shows your right. I have no confidence around you and your stupid group. Why not? What am I afraid of? How is it that I can be friends with absolutely everyone except for you? Why are you so intimidating? Why do you make me feel like I'm not good enough; like I'm being tested and I fail the test every time I take it. You don't even know that you're doing it. It's just you. It's not your fault at all. But that doesn't change the fact that I still feel small when you walk around the hall. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this pit of self loathing. I don't want to feel like that! Why are you doing this to me. Or more like, why am I doing this to myself.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Welp.
Bye guys.
Aqsa
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
My Sleeping Schedule is Screwed
Hey guys, it's Aqsa.
So how many of you like to sleep?
I know I do.
I have a lot of stuff going on. I have school stuff including tests and homework (things that take up most of my day), clubs after school on multiple days, and other hobbies. Lately, I've found that I have been stocking up on iced coffee and working until 3 in the morning. Part of this has to do with the amount of things I'm trying to do, but part of this also has to do with me procrastinating.
I don't know about you, but when I'm about to start doing anything, whether writing or doing homework, or whatever, I look at the clock. I say to myself, "Self, you will start doing whatever it is you should be doing at 7:00." Until seven, I spend time mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed and BuzzFeed articles. When I look back up at the clock, the numbers 7:01 look back at me accusingly, and that is when I say, "Ah well, I guess I'll start at 7:30." Do you see the problem?
I already come home late, and then I spend another hour procrastinating. Why do I do this? Why?
The problem isn't that I don't want to do the work. I would love to be able to plop down as soon as I come home and finish all my homework in one sitting. I would love to actually be able to work on improving my writing. I would love to dedicate at least an hour everyday to focus on coding. But that just isn't feasible, even when I don't procrastinate. And that is why I am awake at 3 in the morning every night.
I can fix this by a) not doing my homework b) doing my work really quickly without much thought or c) disregarding my extracurriculars altogether. Oh, or stop procrastinating which will buy me at least an hour of sleep.
Long story short, my sleep schedule is screwed. I need to fix it. How? idk. I have only myself to blame.
Bye guys.
So how many of you like to sleep?
I know I do.
I have a lot of stuff going on. I have school stuff including tests and homework (things that take up most of my day), clubs after school on multiple days, and other hobbies. Lately, I've found that I have been stocking up on iced coffee and working until 3 in the morning. Part of this has to do with the amount of things I'm trying to do, but part of this also has to do with me procrastinating.
I don't know about you, but when I'm about to start doing anything, whether writing or doing homework, or whatever, I look at the clock. I say to myself, "Self, you will start doing whatever it is you should be doing at 7:00." Until seven, I spend time mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed and BuzzFeed articles. When I look back up at the clock, the numbers 7:01 look back at me accusingly, and that is when I say, "Ah well, I guess I'll start at 7:30." Do you see the problem?
I already come home late, and then I spend another hour procrastinating. Why do I do this? Why?
The problem isn't that I don't want to do the work. I would love to be able to plop down as soon as I come home and finish all my homework in one sitting. I would love to actually be able to work on improving my writing. I would love to dedicate at least an hour everyday to focus on coding. But that just isn't feasible, even when I don't procrastinate. And that is why I am awake at 3 in the morning every night.
I can fix this by a) not doing my homework b) doing my work really quickly without much thought or c) disregarding my extracurriculars altogether. Oh, or stop procrastinating which will buy me at least an hour of sleep.
Long story short, my sleep schedule is screwed. I need to fix it. How? idk. I have only myself to blame.
Bye guys.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
High School is Stressful
Hey guys, it's Aqsa.
I honestly had no idea what to write for my first post; anything I think of just isn't blog post worthy. After literal hours of trying to figure out what to write, I thought whatever. So here is my rambling thoughts shortened and barely edited for you..
Image courtesy of Tumblr
Yesterday, I took the SAT, because since I live in New York and we were hit by that blizzard, our test was pushed to February 20th. Basically, I only started studying about a month ago, unlike my friend who took an sat course and studied endlessly. Needless to say, she was a lot more invested in the SAT than I was. Don't get me wrong, my SAT score is really important to me. I'm not a stellar student if you compare me to the people in my school, and getting a high SAT score is imperative to getting into a good college. I also need a high SAT score because of a deal I made with my parents. A high SAT score means I get my very own kitten! iA I get a good score, because I have wanted a kitten since I was little. I love cats.
If you really think about it, the SAT is a really dumb test. It doesn't measure any real intelligence, nor does it measure what kind of a person you are. Another thing is, they are changing the SAT, and the new test isn't really that similar to the test I just took. If I don't do well on the SAT, I will most likely take the ACT. But then again, I just said the SAT is incredibly stupid. Which it is. But the fact that I think it is stupid is not going to help me get into a good school. Colleges need a way to see who is fit for their school in a quick way. They aren't going to spend hours sitting and analyzing your application. You aren't special enough.
I won't blame Columbia if they don't accept me based on my SAT score or my GPA. I understand. I go to an early college school, which means the students in my school are very, very smart. What is the chance that Columbia will take me compared to them?
That does not mean that I am not trying, of course. I am trying hard to make good grades, but I'm not a good test taker, and unfortunately for me, that is what my math class is based on. I mention math in particular because it's my worst subject. Couple that situation with some C's I got in freshman and sophomore year and you get what I would be if you extracted all of my personality, ambitions, and basically everything. So I'm a B student on paper. I'm average compared to my friends.
Image courtesy of www.clipartbest.com
That's another thing. Wow. My friends are all getting straight A's. Why am I not smart enough to reach that point? What is it about me that hinders me from achieving that gold star? Again, I go to the equivalent of a specialized high school if you add liberal arts and take away some of that nasty competition. My school is great in that the students help each other. But the students are all so incredibly smart, so amazing. I really feel for the freshman who, like me, are saying that they're struggling. Who are saying outright that they don't feel smart because they aren't making the same grades as their friends.
Image courtesy of Tumblr
I guess I'm jealous. How can so many people from my school be out partying so much, do drugs that much, drink that much, and still be making amazing grades? I do clubs and other extracurriculars, I stay after class to talk to the teachers, I do the homework, I participate. How do people who aren't doing any of that making such good grades?
But a lot of people don't do drugs. The don't party that much. They don't drink that much. And they make good grades too. Maybe there's some secret that I'm missing. I'm definitely studying as much as them, and I've tried different techniques to find the best way to study for me. Why am I not a gold star student?
So yes. I'm jealous. What're you going to do about it?
I have a semester or two left. I can still show myself that I am capable of this. I am capable of getting all A's. Don't believe me? Well, I never said I was doing this for you.
Well, that's all I have to say for now! Let me know what you guys think in the comments and follow me on Instagram and twitter. If you want to. (@heyitsaqsa)
Bye guys.
I honestly had no idea what to write for my first post; anything I think of just isn't blog post worthy. After literal hours of trying to figure out what to write, I thought whatever. So here is my rambling thoughts shortened and barely edited for you..
Image courtesy of Tumblr
Yesterday, I took the SAT, because since I live in New York and we were hit by that blizzard, our test was pushed to February 20th. Basically, I only started studying about a month ago, unlike my friend who took an sat course and studied endlessly. Needless to say, she was a lot more invested in the SAT than I was. Don't get me wrong, my SAT score is really important to me. I'm not a stellar student if you compare me to the people in my school, and getting a high SAT score is imperative to getting into a good college. I also need a high SAT score because of a deal I made with my parents. A high SAT score means I get my very own kitten! iA I get a good score, because I have wanted a kitten since I was little. I love cats.
If you really think about it, the SAT is a really dumb test. It doesn't measure any real intelligence, nor does it measure what kind of a person you are. Another thing is, they are changing the SAT, and the new test isn't really that similar to the test I just took. If I don't do well on the SAT, I will most likely take the ACT. But then again, I just said the SAT is incredibly stupid. Which it is. But the fact that I think it is stupid is not going to help me get into a good school. Colleges need a way to see who is fit for their school in a quick way. They aren't going to spend hours sitting and analyzing your application. You aren't special enough.
I won't blame Columbia if they don't accept me based on my SAT score or my GPA. I understand. I go to an early college school, which means the students in my school are very, very smart. What is the chance that Columbia will take me compared to them?
That does not mean that I am not trying, of course. I am trying hard to make good grades, but I'm not a good test taker, and unfortunately for me, that is what my math class is based on. I mention math in particular because it's my worst subject. Couple that situation with some C's I got in freshman and sophomore year and you get what I would be if you extracted all of my personality, ambitions, and basically everything. So I'm a B student on paper. I'm average compared to my friends.
Image courtesy of www.clipartbest.com
That's another thing. Wow. My friends are all getting straight A's. Why am I not smart enough to reach that point? What is it about me that hinders me from achieving that gold star? Again, I go to the equivalent of a specialized high school if you add liberal arts and take away some of that nasty competition. My school is great in that the students help each other. But the students are all so incredibly smart, so amazing. I really feel for the freshman who, like me, are saying that they're struggling. Who are saying outright that they don't feel smart because they aren't making the same grades as their friends.
Image courtesy of Tumblr
I guess I'm jealous. How can so many people from my school be out partying so much, do drugs that much, drink that much, and still be making amazing grades? I do clubs and other extracurriculars, I stay after class to talk to the teachers, I do the homework, I participate. How do people who aren't doing any of that making such good grades?
But a lot of people don't do drugs. The don't party that much. They don't drink that much. And they make good grades too. Maybe there's some secret that I'm missing. I'm definitely studying as much as them, and I've tried different techniques to find the best way to study for me. Why am I not a gold star student?
So yes. I'm jealous. What're you going to do about it?
I have a semester or two left. I can still show myself that I am capable of this. I am capable of getting all A's. Don't believe me? Well, I never said I was doing this for you.
Well, that's all I have to say for now! Let me know what you guys think in the comments and follow me on Instagram and twitter. If you want to. (@heyitsaqsa)
Bye guys.
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